Monthly Archives: January 2017

Island of Misfit Toys – The Zone

Some toy designs don’t quite work for my anatomy.

Reviews will now include googly eyes. For reasons.

Some toy designs look like the MILLIONTH variation on a classic. And some toy designs make me stop and ask, “What even IS this?”

This is a new series devoted to that last category. Welcome to the Island Of Misfit Sex Toys

The Zone came to me from a sex shop’s clearance bin. I’m pretty sure it was discontinued because people looked at it, said, “What even IS this?” and then bought something else. I, on the other hand, will try just about anything* and guess what? Guess what? This thing was WAY better than I expected.

The first challenge was figuring out how, exactly, the Zone was supposed to work. It’s shaped something like a lavender version of a 50’s Sci Fi film prop. It has three legs of hard plastic, one of which has two buttons on it, and a central cone-shaped part of ribbed silicone. This is the part that vibrates, so of course I tried putting it in my vagina first thing, because that’s just how things are done around here. That was neither ergonomically correct, nor was it particularly pleasing. Nope.

Next, I tried setting Zone in a chair, and sitting on it so my thighs held the two button-free legs down and the rocket was against my vulva. Much better.  The feet originally had rubbery nubs on them to keep this toy from sliding around, but I can’t show you since they popped off and got lost pretty quickly. Point is, this toy is meant to be sat on, and that is it.

That limits this toys use – it’s only really usable in the one position, and I am pretty sure it will only work for people who have vulvas. BUT. BUT. A truly hands- free toy I can use while sitting? Perfect for me! Most “hands-free” toys I’ve tried need to be constantly re-positioned, or held in place, making them . . . not hands-free. Or else, they are just too weak to cause any orgasms. I am 100% willing to ignore the lack of versatility the Zone brings to the table because having a vibrator that stays in place and can actually do more than gently tease is great.

Also good for kink play! Since apparently this was meant specifically to be used while sitting in a chair, that means it can be used on people who are tied to a chair. Yes, tied to a chair. Where they cannot escape. And then you can adjust the speed and make it even more difficult to endure.**

Now, this is not a desert island toy for me, and its shortcomings are way beyond the weird design. It’s battery-powered, and lately I have been much happier with rechargeable toys. It’s not as high-quality as one might hope, since as noted above the feet already lost their nubs, and the buttons feel flimsy. I have no doubt that I will one day kill this toy.

So, if I do kill it, would I go track down another? Maybe? While I was considering the various hallmarks of cheapness the Zone does have, I was also wondering if this is the kind of thing I would want to spend more on, if someone were to come out with a high-end version. I most likely would, although I am also dying to try one of the bolster-type things you can put your Hitachi in. Maybe that would work even better for me!

*Within reason, people. If you have any particularly outlandish ideas, please consult Can I Fuck The Thing? first.

** Yes, I am totally speaking from experience here.