Balls! So many balls!

I have been on a quest for some time now. Kegel exercisers. Ben Wa Balls. Call them what you will – I am interested in things I can put in my vagina and carry around. I have not found the perfect incarnation of this toy yet, but the quest is looking up since I found an almost-perfect one. I will review it, but first I’d like to look back on all the ones that did not quite make it to gold star/100% love/10 out of 10 sex toy status.

The Weird Metal Ones:

NOPE.

It’s a patina. That means it’s fancy, right?

These were made by one of the big toy companies. They were cheap, so I am not at all shocked that they are not medical-grade stainless steel that lasted forever.  Actually, when I went on a ball roundup for this post I had not seen them in a while – quite a while – found them tucked away in a box, and was pretty put off by the, um, patina they seem to have acquired.  These are definitely not going inside me ever again!

nopetopus

 

 

The OTHER downside to these is that they never worked for regular, walking-around wear for me.  Just too small to hold onto, so one would usually end up lodged next to my cervix and the other one would fall out after I’d been upright for a little while.  Which is hilarious, but not particularly erotic to me.

The Cheap Plastic Ones:

Well, they're pink. Chicks like pink, right?

Well, they’re pink. Chicks like pink, right?

Another big mainstream company’s offering. Seeing a theme here? Since I am pretty much always on a budget, I used to just buy cheap things. Now I am much more likely to save up and wait for sales, since I have SO MANY things that ended up being poor choices.

These are comfortable.  They have the jiggly weights inside that feel so good when I move. They have the right size/weight ratio that I can hold onto them all day.

But – that string! Nylon! That seam! Just asking for bacteria to set up house! When I was using these I soaked them in a 10% bleach solution after each wear, and nothing bad ever happened to me, but . . . they’re retired. Much like my sex life, I have higher standards these days.

Not a total loss, though! I left these out on my nightstand once and it turns out they make EXCELLENT cat toys. Which, again, is hilarious but not at all erotic.

The Almost-Right Plastic + Silicone Holder Ones:

Almost right, but the "retrieval cord" was no match for my powerful vagina!

Almost right, but the “retrieval cord” was no match for my powerful vagina!

These were a gift, and I honestly cannot remember who made them. Not one of the “big 5” I don’t think, but not one of the companies I’ve come to know and love either. I was so excited! The balls have the jingly movement I love! They are more easily cleanable! The set came with three balls of different weights, and two silicone holder thingies, one of which was for a single ball and the other for two balls, so it allowed for a lot of customization of size and weight. So perfect, except . . . I broke it.

I looked all over my Den Of Iniquity but could not find the silicone holder thingy to show you so I think it’s already been thrown out. But the retrieval cord? Snapped off. And the way things fit together it was stupidly difficult to wrestle the balls into their holder anyway, which is obnoxious since they have to be taken out to be cleaned thoroughly anyway.  So minus 100 points for frustration! Which is also not erotic in this context!

I will be back soon to tell you about the new replacement for all these sad rejects.

I have learned my lesson by now about buying cheap things. I don’t think it’s completely bad, since an inexpensive version of a toy can give you a really good idea of whether you like a particular type of sensation. I did learn from each of the ball failures mentioned above, and it makes sense sometimes to try out a less-good substitute before going all-out when you are on a budget. But once you know what you like, go get the good stuff!

One response to “Balls! So many balls!

  1. Pingback: Review – Lovehoney Main Squeeze | Lilith Noir

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