Category Archives: Island of Misfit Sex Toys

Island Of Misfit Sex Toys – The Vibrator I Killed

I was all set to talk about another odd sex toy design, but you know what?

I learned something instead.

See, I’ve heard – probably more than once – that one should NEVER leave batteries in a toy. But I’ve done so plenty of times. In fact, my oldest vibrator (which, if I remember correctly, turns seven this year) has been left with batteries in for months at a time and is still going strong.

Well, I learned you actually should NOT leave batteries in!

See, this toy . . . this toy looked intriguing, so I got it. I tried it out once. ONCE. When I decided to start this series of posts I knew it was going to be one of the first things I discussed.

 

The toy in question is by California Exotics and is called . . . Body & Soul? Scintillation? Anyway, it’s an “Arousal pump for her”

 

However, one round of play is not at all sufficient for review purposes. Obviously, I was going to need to spend more time with it and take extensive notes*

And . . . yes, I know, “DON’T store your toys with batteries in them!” But I never really thought about it. I regularly leave batteries in, because I’m just going to play with it again, right?** Well, APPARENTLY this is the one that finally fell victim to my reckless ways. I thought the batteries had just died, but looking closer after they were out, I could see a bit of corrosion in the toy.

So, DO NOT LEAVE BATTERIES IN YOUR VIBRATORS. I now understand the wisdom of this rule.

As for the toy itself . . . well, based on one use I’d say it falls into the vast category of “Brilliant idea, needs further refinement.”

The thing that interested me was that this is a vibrator but also offers suction. A small, clit-centric area of suction. That sounded like it would feel great! And it did!

R.I.P. suction vibe thingy . . . we hardly knew ye.

As I suspected, the combination of suction and vibration was an all-around win for me. As you probably already know, suction increases blood flow to an area, which can make it more sensitive. Focusing it on the clit was indeed great! Two wonderful sensations combining to be extra-pleasurable!

But of course there was a downside – one big enough that I didn’t keep playing with this every single day after its initial run.

The downside was that this toy really needed to be held very precisely in place to work. Too much motion and the suction would be interrupted, and then getting it positioned correctly again took way too much precision to be done in the middle of playtime! I have little interest in having my attention diverted that way. I think I’d be happier with a partner using it on me, but we’ll never know now, will we?

Do the nubs make it look sort of like a cartoon lamprey? And does that make it sound more or less appealing?

The design of this toy was otherwise pretty good for me, with the handle being a decent length and the button easy to reach while I was using it. Aesthetically, I love the deep royal blue color.***

I’m totally down for trying out new suction toys though! If anyone has one they’d like to send my way, please do so! I promise I won’t kill it with neglect like it’s a houseplant!

As I was writing this I referred back to the box and instructions a few times.  Immediately after that I started reading the instruction booklet for another thing I am planning to write about.  This made me want to write about the very high level of fail present in sex-toy package inserts because it is A LOT OF FAIL.  So, that may be coming to this blog in the near future!  We’ll see!

 

* Which I do when I am planning to write about toys. Often, these notes are hilarious when I try to read them later.

** As of right now I have about . . . ten? vibrators. So even if I rotated through them carefully giving each one equal attention, the odds of me using any given one are . . . not great.

***I try not to express my disdain for pink in EVERY review, but seriously.

 

Island of Misfit Toys – The Zone

Some toy designs don’t quite work for my anatomy.

Reviews will now include googly eyes. For reasons.

Some toy designs look like the MILLIONTH variation on a classic. And some toy designs make me stop and ask, “What even IS this?”

This is a new series devoted to that last category. Welcome to the Island Of Misfit Sex Toys

The Zone came to me from a sex shop’s clearance bin. I’m pretty sure it was discontinued because people looked at it, said, “What even IS this?” and then bought something else. I, on the other hand, will try just about anything* and guess what? Guess what? This thing was WAY better than I expected.

The first challenge was figuring out how, exactly, the Zone was supposed to work. It’s shaped something like a lavender version of a 50’s Sci Fi film prop. It has three legs of hard plastic, one of which has two buttons on it, and a central cone-shaped part of ribbed silicone. This is the part that vibrates, so of course I tried putting it in my vagina first thing, because that’s just how things are done around here. That was neither ergonomically correct, nor was it particularly pleasing. Nope.

Next, I tried setting Zone in a chair, and sitting on it so my thighs held the two button-free legs down and the rocket was against my vulva. Much better.  The feet originally had rubbery nubs on them to keep this toy from sliding around, but I can’t show you since they popped off and got lost pretty quickly. Point is, this toy is meant to be sat on, and that is it.

That limits this toys use – it’s only really usable in the one position, and I am pretty sure it will only work for people who have vulvas. BUT. BUT. A truly hands- free toy I can use while sitting? Perfect for me! Most “hands-free” toys I’ve tried need to be constantly re-positioned, or held in place, making them . . . not hands-free. Or else, they are just too weak to cause any orgasms. I am 100% willing to ignore the lack of versatility the Zone brings to the table because having a vibrator that stays in place and can actually do more than gently tease is great.

Also good for kink play! Since apparently this was meant specifically to be used while sitting in a chair, that means it can be used on people who are tied to a chair. Yes, tied to a chair. Where they cannot escape. And then you can adjust the speed and make it even more difficult to endure.**

Now, this is not a desert island toy for me, and its shortcomings are way beyond the weird design. It’s battery-powered, and lately I have been much happier with rechargeable toys. It’s not as high-quality as one might hope, since as noted above the feet already lost their nubs, and the buttons feel flimsy. I have no doubt that I will one day kill this toy.

So, if I do kill it, would I go track down another? Maybe? While I was considering the various hallmarks of cheapness the Zone does have, I was also wondering if this is the kind of thing I would want to spend more on, if someone were to come out with a high-end version. I most likely would, although I am also dying to try one of the bolster-type things you can put your Hitachi in. Maybe that would work even better for me!

*Within reason, people. If you have any particularly outlandish ideas, please consult Can I Fuck The Thing? first.

** Yes, I am totally speaking from experience here.