Tag Archives: FAIL

My Son, Who is a Cat

The other day, I decided I wanted a spiffy new header image so I pulled out various items with the idea that I could arrange a still life.  It would be a nice casual arrangement of things related to my life and my identity that would look arty and cool like the stuff I see on Tumblr*.

I had momentarily forgotten about the OTHER thing you see all over the internet.

Snacks? Any snacks? Asking for a friend.

Snacks? Any snacks? Asking for a friend.

Somehow, despite having about 20 or so cats**, I rarely post pictures of them.  They feel left out.  So Azrael (seen above) decided there was NO WAY he was going to let me neglect him.

He knows he's handsome.

He knows he’s handsome.

I decided to get a few pictures of him, because – well, look at him.

Go ahead and try this at home if you want.  But be prepared for some singed whiskers.

Go ahead and try this at home if you want. But be prepared for some singed whiskers.

He really did not want to move, so I went ahead and set stuff up around him.

Not just a handsome man, but the most handsome man.

Not just a handsome man, but the *most* handsome man.

And then I told him he HAD TO move, since even though I love cats and sex toys, having them in the same picture seemed a little creepy.

"Hey mom, what's going on here?"

“Hey mom, what’s going on here?”

So I tried to get a picture while he was out of the frame.  And, being a cat, he knew this and refused to stay out of the frame.

img_20161014_121208

Fine, I’ll crop it. We’re done here.

Finally, I got this one, and realized that blurry ears in the corner was the smallest amount of cat that was going to be possible and called it a day.  Sure, I could have locked him out of the room, but I’m not a monster.  And that is your exclusive behind-the-scenes look at my creative process, and Azrael’s part in it.

Stay tuned next week for “Oh God, How is There Cat Hair on This Dildo Already I Just Washed it?!?!?!?” (part 1 in a 34987 part series)

*OR SO I THOUGHT

**This is a slight exaggeration.  Maybe.

Balls! So many balls!

I have been on a quest for some time now. Kegel exercisers. Ben Wa Balls. Call them what you will – I am interested in things I can put in my vagina and carry around. I have not found the perfect incarnation of this toy yet, but the quest is looking up since I found an almost-perfect one. I will review it, but first I’d like to look back on all the ones that did not quite make it to gold star/100% love/10 out of 10 sex toy status.

The Weird Metal Ones:

NOPE.

It’s a patina. That means it’s fancy, right?

These were made by one of the big toy companies. They were cheap, so I am not at all shocked that they are not medical-grade stainless steel that lasted forever.  Actually, when I went on a ball roundup for this post I had not seen them in a while – quite a while – found them tucked away in a box, and was pretty put off by the, um, patina they seem to have acquired.  These are definitely not going inside me ever again!

nopetopus

 

 

The OTHER downside to these is that they never worked for regular, walking-around wear for me.  Just too small to hold onto, so one would usually end up lodged next to my cervix and the other one would fall out after I’d been upright for a little while.  Which is hilarious, but not particularly erotic to me.

The Cheap Plastic Ones:

Well, they're pink. Chicks like pink, right?

Well, they’re pink. Chicks like pink, right?

Another big mainstream company’s offering. Seeing a theme here? Since I am pretty much always on a budget, I used to just buy cheap things. Now I am much more likely to save up and wait for sales, since I have SO MANY things that ended up being poor choices.

These are comfortable.  They have the jiggly weights inside that feel so good when I move. They have the right size/weight ratio that I can hold onto them all day.

But – that string! Nylon! That seam! Just asking for bacteria to set up house! When I was using these I soaked them in a 10% bleach solution after each wear, and nothing bad ever happened to me, but . . . they’re retired. Much like my sex life, I have higher standards these days.

Not a total loss, though! I left these out on my nightstand once and it turns out they make EXCELLENT cat toys. Which, again, is hilarious but not at all erotic.

The Almost-Right Plastic + Silicone Holder Ones:

Almost right, but the "retrieval cord" was no match for my powerful vagina!

Almost right, but the “retrieval cord” was no match for my powerful vagina!

These were a gift, and I honestly cannot remember who made them. Not one of the “big 5” I don’t think, but not one of the companies I’ve come to know and love either. I was so excited! The balls have the jingly movement I love! They are more easily cleanable! The set came with three balls of different weights, and two silicone holder thingies, one of which was for a single ball and the other for two balls, so it allowed for a lot of customization of size and weight. So perfect, except . . . I broke it.

I looked all over my Den Of Iniquity but could not find the silicone holder thingy to show you so I think it’s already been thrown out. But the retrieval cord? Snapped off. And the way things fit together it was stupidly difficult to wrestle the balls into their holder anyway, which is obnoxious since they have to be taken out to be cleaned thoroughly anyway.  So minus 100 points for frustration! Which is also not erotic in this context!

I will be back soon to tell you about the new replacement for all these sad rejects.

I have learned my lesson by now about buying cheap things. I don’t think it’s completely bad, since an inexpensive version of a toy can give you a really good idea of whether you like a particular type of sensation. I did learn from each of the ball failures mentioned above, and it makes sense sometimes to try out a less-good substitute before going all-out when you are on a budget. But once you know what you like, go get the good stuff!

Review – Pipedream Icicles #34

This is possibly the best example ever of two awesome things I love combining and . . . being massively disappointing.  Some things go together beautifully.  Glass and hands-free vibrators are not two of those things.  I wanted this toy for ages.  I wanted – nay, needed  a hands free wearable vibrator, but so many of them are nasty jelly or crap like that.  I already knew I loved glass.  (I have an unreasonable number of glass toys, and I always want another one because they’re just so damn pretty and shiny.)  Icicles #34 seemed meant for me.  It was calling my name.  But you know, someone can call your name all sexy-like and still suck in bed.

Cutest penis EVAR.

Cutest penis EVAR.

The design of this piece is similar to those wearable vibrators of questionable materials I’d been eyeing.  It’s meant to strap on against your vulva and stimulate the entire outer region, while the tiny penis part sits inside the vagina.  The curved outer section is about 4” long, while the insertable section is 3” long and 3” around at the head.  If I were judging on comfort alone, this would be a win.  I could wear this all day.  That is, IF the straps were sturdier and not utterly unnecessarily baffling.  I am a fan of internal and external stimulation at the same time, but neither of these things worked to my liking.  It fit fine, but then it just sat there, like a vaginal freeloader, doing nothing at all.

I understand the snaps, and the adjustable slidey bits, but why are there ALSO lingerie-style clasps?  WHY?

I understand the snaps, and the adjustable slidey bits, but why are there ALSO lingerie-style clasps? WHY?

The internal part is nowhere near girthy enough, and I don’t think that’s due to my vast experience.  It’s ultimately forgettable, as in, you will probably forget you are being penetrated.  Even if you like slimmer toys, I just think this is too slim for something that ALSO offers so little in the Vroom department.

It feels like . . . nothing.  I enjoy pretty strong vibrations, but I think this would be too weak even for the more sensitive of clit owners.    The thing about this is, the vibration action is delivered by a small bullet vibe powered by three AAA batteries, and those are okay DIRECTLY on the clit, but far too weak to work with this glass piece. I ended up being able to feel the vibrations, but only in the most vague and teasing way.  There is no way this could cause an orgasm.  Not going to happen.   After experimenting with Pressing my Halo Wand and Hitachi against the outside of it (which is usually awesome with my other glass toys), I think the issue is more with the design of the toy and not the lack of power alone.  Even my more powerful wand vibes made this feel “interesting” – nowhere near “skin-meltingly erotic”.  The vibrator part has various speeds and patterns, and I normally love patterns, but on this I really could not tell much difference at all.

A final minor annoyance, but one I know I am not alone on  – it’s pink, it’s ONLY available in pink, PINK, BITCHES!

Pictured: a bunch of other, more attractive glass toys ostracizing the PINK! one.  I know I shouldn't allow this behavior, but damn it they have a point!

Pictured: a bunch of other, more attractive glass toys ostracizing the PINK! one. I know I shouldn’t allow this behavior, but damn it they have a point!

ONE good thing about this toy is that the straps will actually fit a large size range.  I am a US 10/12, and need the straps cinched nearly all the way they’ll go.  A very slim person might have trouble getting them small enough.  But hey, ANY person might have trouble feeling that this is stable since the straps are flimsy as hell.  I would like to offer kudos to recognizing body diversity, but I suspect that was not the main goal here.

Finally, I can’t really criticize this toy without talking more broadly about Pipedream as a company.  I used to buy a lot of their products** before I became aware of their racist and sexist bullshit.  Now that I know more about the company, these more disappointing purchases seem less like toys that just didn’t work for my anatomy, and more like products designed by people who hate women.  Why would I trust a misogynist to design something to give me pleasure?  It would be stupid to walk into a vegetarian restaurant and ask for a delicious steak, and that’s what it feels like expecting a company like this to do anything good for my vagina.

It’s been a while since I got this toy, and it looks like it’s been discontinued.  Even so, I still see it for sale in bricks and mortar stores in my area so hopefully there’s still time to warn others before they suffer my fate.  This toy does not care about your vagina, not even a little bit.  You deserve better.

**I have decided not to buy anything of theirs in the future, but I still own a lot of their toys which I will probably end up reviewing on here.