Tag Archives: sex toy

Island Of Misfit Sex Toys – The Vibrator I Killed

I was all set to talk about another odd sex toy design, but you know what?

I learned something instead.

See, I’ve heard – probably more than once – that one should NEVER leave batteries in a toy. But I’ve done so plenty of times. In fact, my oldest vibrator (which, if I remember correctly, turns seven this year) has been left with batteries in for months at a time and is still going strong.

Well, I learned you actually should NOT leave batteries in!

See, this toy . . . this toy looked intriguing, so I got it. I tried it out once. ONCE. When I decided to start this series of posts I knew it was going to be one of the first things I discussed.

 

The toy in question is by California Exotics and is called . . . Body & Soul? Scintillation? Anyway, it’s an “Arousal pump for her”

 

However, one round of play is not at all sufficient for review purposes. Obviously, I was going to need to spend more time with it and take extensive notes*

And . . . yes, I know, “DON’T store your toys with batteries in them!” But I never really thought about it. I regularly leave batteries in, because I’m just going to play with it again, right?** Well, APPARENTLY this is the one that finally fell victim to my reckless ways. I thought the batteries had just died, but looking closer after they were out, I could see a bit of corrosion in the toy.

So, DO NOT LEAVE BATTERIES IN YOUR VIBRATORS. I now understand the wisdom of this rule.

As for the toy itself . . . well, based on one use I’d say it falls into the vast category of “Brilliant idea, needs further refinement.”

The thing that interested me was that this is a vibrator but also offers suction. A small, clit-centric area of suction. That sounded like it would feel great! And it did!

R.I.P. suction vibe thingy . . . we hardly knew ye.

As I suspected, the combination of suction and vibration was an all-around win for me. As you probably already know, suction increases blood flow to an area, which can make it more sensitive. Focusing it on the clit was indeed great! Two wonderful sensations combining to be extra-pleasurable!

But of course there was a downside – one big enough that I didn’t keep playing with this every single day after its initial run.

The downside was that this toy really needed to be held very precisely in place to work. Too much motion and the suction would be interrupted, and then getting it positioned correctly again took way too much precision to be done in the middle of playtime! I have little interest in having my attention diverted that way. I think I’d be happier with a partner using it on me, but we’ll never know now, will we?

Do the nubs make it look sort of like a cartoon lamprey? And does that make it sound more or less appealing?

The design of this toy was otherwise pretty good for me, with the handle being a decent length and the button easy to reach while I was using it. Aesthetically, I love the deep royal blue color.***

I’m totally down for trying out new suction toys though! If anyone has one they’d like to send my way, please do so! I promise I won’t kill it with neglect like it’s a houseplant!

As I was writing this I referred back to the box and instructions a few times.  Immediately after that I started reading the instruction booklet for another thing I am planning to write about.  This made me want to write about the very high level of fail present in sex-toy package inserts because it is A LOT OF FAIL.  So, that may be coming to this blog in the near future!  We’ll see!

 

* Which I do when I am planning to write about toys. Often, these notes are hilarious when I try to read them later.

** As of right now I have about . . . ten? vibrators. So even if I rotated through them carefully giving each one equal attention, the odds of me using any given one are . . . not great.

***I try not to express my disdain for pink in EVERY review, but seriously.

 

True Confession – I am a Toy Horder

I decided recently it would be a great idea to inventory and organize ALL my toys. I did not quite realize what that would entail until I was piling things on the bed and wondering if I’d left things over at someone else’s house*

I’ve amassed quite a collection of toys over the years. In my imagination what this should look like is:

I have a walk-in closet with excellent lighting that is filled to the brim with my collection, all on display in a way that suggests I hired a consultant who usually builds museum exhibits. When I desire a toy, I dramatically fling open the double doors, pause for a moment because I – yes, even I, the mistress of all these riches – am awestruck by the beauty of this room. I then sweep in, my silk robe swirling behind me, and drift from case to case carefully considering the merits of each item. So spoiled for choice am I that I often lose track of time and my partner has to bring in trays of fruit and cheese and a glass of wine to revive me so that I may continue gazing upon my domain.

What it actually means is, well. . . .

Behold! This is but a fraction of the Toy Hoard in all its jumbled glory!

Typing that out, it sounds like I’m so rich and/or spoiled I am practically swimming in sex toys which I turn up my nose at because the color doesn’t go with my décor, or the buttons aren’t exactly in the right place for me. That’s not exactly how those disorderly boxes came about.

I do have a lot of toys I love. So there are quite a few keepers. Of the second-string/reject pile, well. Some were gifts. Some were from when I used to review toys for an online entity I shall not name, and some represent a waste of money.

I had been sort of on the fence myself about cheap toys. So many are inexpensive but great – and some expensive and “high-end” toys are just crap.

I’ll have more to say about this next week. First I need to dig through that pile and organize them – by color, of course. So I can match them to my bedding, lingerie, and wall art. Because I am fancy.

Herr Zone looks on in dismay as he wonders, which of his friends will survive? Who will be honored with a review and googly eyes of his own?

* I did. I definitely did.

Island of Misfit Toys – The Zone

Some toy designs don’t quite work for my anatomy.

Reviews will now include googly eyes. For reasons.

Some toy designs look like the MILLIONTH variation on a classic. And some toy designs make me stop and ask, “What even IS this?”

This is a new series devoted to that last category. Welcome to the Island Of Misfit Sex Toys

The Zone came to me from a sex shop’s clearance bin. I’m pretty sure it was discontinued because people looked at it, said, “What even IS this?” and then bought something else. I, on the other hand, will try just about anything* and guess what? Guess what? This thing was WAY better than I expected.

The first challenge was figuring out how, exactly, the Zone was supposed to work. It’s shaped something like a lavender version of a 50’s Sci Fi film prop. It has three legs of hard plastic, one of which has two buttons on it, and a central cone-shaped part of ribbed silicone. This is the part that vibrates, so of course I tried putting it in my vagina first thing, because that’s just how things are done around here. That was neither ergonomically correct, nor was it particularly pleasing. Nope.

Next, I tried setting Zone in a chair, and sitting on it so my thighs held the two button-free legs down and the rocket was against my vulva. Much better.  The feet originally had rubbery nubs on them to keep this toy from sliding around, but I can’t show you since they popped off and got lost pretty quickly. Point is, this toy is meant to be sat on, and that is it.

That limits this toys use – it’s only really usable in the one position, and I am pretty sure it will only work for people who have vulvas. BUT. BUT. A truly hands- free toy I can use while sitting? Perfect for me! Most “hands-free” toys I’ve tried need to be constantly re-positioned, or held in place, making them . . . not hands-free. Or else, they are just too weak to cause any orgasms. I am 100% willing to ignore the lack of versatility the Zone brings to the table because having a vibrator that stays in place and can actually do more than gently tease is great.

Also good for kink play! Since apparently this was meant specifically to be used while sitting in a chair, that means it can be used on people who are tied to a chair. Yes, tied to a chair. Where they cannot escape. And then you can adjust the speed and make it even more difficult to endure.**

Now, this is not a desert island toy for me, and its shortcomings are way beyond the weird design. It’s battery-powered, and lately I have been much happier with rechargeable toys. It’s not as high-quality as one might hope, since as noted above the feet already lost their nubs, and the buttons feel flimsy. I have no doubt that I will one day kill this toy.

So, if I do kill it, would I go track down another? Maybe? While I was considering the various hallmarks of cheapness the Zone does have, I was also wondering if this is the kind of thing I would want to spend more on, if someone were to come out with a high-end version. I most likely would, although I am also dying to try one of the bolster-type things you can put your Hitachi in. Maybe that would work even better for me!

*Within reason, people. If you have any particularly outlandish ideas, please consult Can I Fuck The Thing? first.

** Yes, I am totally speaking from experience here.

Review – Fun Toys G Ring and G Plug

Today I have a few toys from Fun Toys, a company that is completely new to me. I’d heard of them through other toy reviewers, but never tried out one of their products.

First, some background: I’ve had awful luck with remote vibes. Batteries that run down too fast. Apps that just plain won’t work. And my personal most hated: the remote that only works from six inches away pointed directly at the vibrator, and can be foiled by the thinnest of underpants. What is the point of even making it a remote?

I was excited to try out the G Ring and G Plug from Fun Toys as a set, since it’s not just another version of remote controlled toys – the G Ring works as both a remote control for the G Plug, and as a vibrator by itself.

My first impressions of these toys were positive. Packaging is nowhere near as important as the toy inside, but I do think good packaging shows attention to detail,

and if I am in a shop it does play a part in what I notice first and what I am drawn to pick up. The canisters these toys come in have an image of the toy on one side and a pretty drawing on the other. They’re sturdy so you could use them for storage later. Inside, you get a storage pouch (which I did not like much; the fabric it’s made from feels cheap) a USB charger, and an instruction booklet.

The toys themselves are attractive and certainly have a luxurious feel. They are coated in velvety smooth silicone and come in dark blue and pink. (of course I got the dark blue. I would be pleased never to see a pink toy again in my life) They are rechargeable

I got the plug in a large size, which honestly does not seem that large to me. I img_20160825_123602don’t consider myself someone who needs HUGE butt toys, but there you are. Your mileage may vary! The actual measurements are 5” around, 4” long with 1” of that length being the neck. This plug has a very slim neck, which I like for longer term wear. It’s also in my preferred teardrop shape. The base is relatively small (about an inch and a half across) which I also think lends itself well to wearing under clothing and for longer times. For me, this was a comfortable plug to wear.

Because it had been such an issue with other remote toys, the first thing I did was a clothing test. Will this remote be what I want it to? I put on some yoga pants on to see if the G ring would still work. It did! This is a major plus for me. (as a side note, you can also turn off the vibration function on the G-ring and use it solely as a remote)

picture-36Happy though I was with the remote function of the Ring, vibration is very important to me as well. It fit on my finger well, snug enough not to fall off easily but not too tight. I have to say, as a clitoral vibrator, this was not particularly great. I enjoy more rumbly feelings, and like to cover more area. This was comparable to other finger vibes I have tried, so I cannot recommend it solely as a vibrator based on my own experience. People who like gentler vibrations might find it more enjoyable. It’s a neat idea, but when it comes down to it this isn’t the toy I’d be reaching for if I really want an orgasm.

Both of these have a variety of patterns but I generally don’t go in for those. I like speed variation, but cycling through 6 different patterns is annoying to me. (Does anyone love the patterns? Let me know!)

Also, the buttons are hard to use while this is in action as a vibrator. The img_20160701_121631placement is accessible but once there’s any kind of lube or bodily fluid on them it’s difficult to press them, particularly since they are small and close together. I can’t see any way the design could have worked around this at all. It’s too small to place them anywhere else, really.

I decided I should do a good old endurance test of these as well. After a full charge, turned on at full power, the G-Ring lasted for 45 minutes and the plug for an hour and 15 minutes. Not bad at all!

Overall, I would say this set feels like an excellent idea that didn’t quite make it in practice. The design is beautiful and luxurious, I found the plug comfortable, and having a remote that is also a vibrator is brilliant. The remote function worked well for me and was superior to so many other remotes.  So much was right about this but ultimately it was a good but not great toy for me.

Disclaimer: The G Ring and G Plug were provided to me free of charge by Fun Toys in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.

G Ring and G Plug

Review – Lovehoney Main Squeeze

I have tried other types of kegel-type toys, and thus far the Main Squeeze by Lovehoney is my favorite version of the “round things you can put in your vagina and walk around with all day” toy.

What? What do you use YOUR kitchen scale for?

What? What do you use YOUR kitchen scale for?

I chose the 90g  version, but Lovehoney also offers a 60g, and a single-ball 30g. I picked this size by weighing the ones I already own for comparison.

To be fair, the set pictured comes in at a whopping 130 g, so OBVIOUSLY my vagina could handle more (RAWR), but this is the heaviest set Lovehoney makes right now.

IMG_20151109_095753

The Main Squeeze is as cute as its name.

 

 

 

These are a good size for me, measuring about 3 and a quarter inches long and 4 and a half inches around.

They are fully coated in a deep purple silicone, which was an excellent design choice. The silicone has some “drag” so they are more grippy. There are no sneaky crevices or removable parts, so they are easy to clean! Which has not always been my experience with other toys.

The one thing I am not completely happy with is that the loose inner weights aren’t really mobile enough for me to be able to feel them. For me, the best part of this kind of toy is the sensation I get from the internal motion. Put them in and go jogging! Or dancing! Or run up and down the stairs!* I suspect the reason these are less impressive in that department is because I chose the heaviest ones, so maybe it’s a more mass = less room to jiggle sort of thing. Not really sure about that, since I have not tried out the lighter version. Anyhow, there is little enough jiggle that I can forget these are in fairly easily.

I feel like I should make a terrible pun involving the word "box" here, but it's just not coming to me . . . .

I feel like I should make a terrible pun involving the word “box” here, but it’s just not coming to me . . . .

The packaging these come in is basic and tidy. I like the approach Lovehoney has taken with their packaging, since it offers a clear picture of the product alongside light and cute text. It’s not needlessly gendered, nor does it include explicit illustrations or text, so it feels inclusive of a much broader range of customers.  This would be appropriate for a more conservative person and also for a whole range of sexualities and gender identities. I like that! Inside the box is a small leaflet giving basic use and care instructions.

 

 

Overall, I am very pleased with the Main Squeeze. The tiny things that make it less than 100% perfect for me are minor enough that I can still enjoy this toy as it is. I feel that it’s a solid Kegel toy, and a good value for the price.

Bonus outtake shot of the handsome Mr. Mistoffelees photobombing.

Bonus outtake shot of the handsome Mr. Mistoffelees photobombing me.

Full disclosure: I won this toy as a prize in Lovehoney’s “Show us your O-face” contest, so it was given to me for free.

 

*Tried this as part of a move-in once. It made carrying things to the upper floors much less awful.

Balls! So many balls!

I have been on a quest for some time now. Kegel exercisers. Ben Wa Balls. Call them what you will – I am interested in things I can put in my vagina and carry around. I have not found the perfect incarnation of this toy yet, but the quest is looking up since I found an almost-perfect one. I will review it, but first I’d like to look back on all the ones that did not quite make it to gold star/100% love/10 out of 10 sex toy status.

The Weird Metal Ones:

NOPE.

It’s a patina. That means it’s fancy, right?

These were made by one of the big toy companies. They were cheap, so I am not at all shocked that they are not medical-grade stainless steel that lasted forever.  Actually, when I went on a ball roundup for this post I had not seen them in a while – quite a while – found them tucked away in a box, and was pretty put off by the, um, patina they seem to have acquired.  These are definitely not going inside me ever again!

nopetopus

 

 

The OTHER downside to these is that they never worked for regular, walking-around wear for me.  Just too small to hold onto, so one would usually end up lodged next to my cervix and the other one would fall out after I’d been upright for a little while.  Which is hilarious, but not particularly erotic to me.

The Cheap Plastic Ones:

Well, they're pink. Chicks like pink, right?

Well, they’re pink. Chicks like pink, right?

Another big mainstream company’s offering. Seeing a theme here? Since I am pretty much always on a budget, I used to just buy cheap things. Now I am much more likely to save up and wait for sales, since I have SO MANY things that ended up being poor choices.

These are comfortable.  They have the jiggly weights inside that feel so good when I move. They have the right size/weight ratio that I can hold onto them all day.

But – that string! Nylon! That seam! Just asking for bacteria to set up house! When I was using these I soaked them in a 10% bleach solution after each wear, and nothing bad ever happened to me, but . . . they’re retired. Much like my sex life, I have higher standards these days.

Not a total loss, though! I left these out on my nightstand once and it turns out they make EXCELLENT cat toys. Which, again, is hilarious but not at all erotic.

The Almost-Right Plastic + Silicone Holder Ones:

Almost right, but the "retrieval cord" was no match for my powerful vagina!

Almost right, but the “retrieval cord” was no match for my powerful vagina!

These were a gift, and I honestly cannot remember who made them. Not one of the “big 5” I don’t think, but not one of the companies I’ve come to know and love either. I was so excited! The balls have the jingly movement I love! They are more easily cleanable! The set came with three balls of different weights, and two silicone holder thingies, one of which was for a single ball and the other for two balls, so it allowed for a lot of customization of size and weight. So perfect, except . . . I broke it.

I looked all over my Den Of Iniquity but could not find the silicone holder thingy to show you so I think it’s already been thrown out. But the retrieval cord? Snapped off. And the way things fit together it was stupidly difficult to wrestle the balls into their holder anyway, which is obnoxious since they have to be taken out to be cleaned thoroughly anyway.  So minus 100 points for frustration! Which is also not erotic in this context!

I will be back soon to tell you about the new replacement for all these sad rejects.

I have learned my lesson by now about buying cheap things. I don’t think it’s completely bad, since an inexpensive version of a toy can give you a really good idea of whether you like a particular type of sensation. I did learn from each of the ball failures mentioned above, and it makes sense sometimes to try out a less-good substitute before going all-out when you are on a budget. But once you know what you like, go get the good stuff!

Review x2 – Tantus Mikey and Mark

I am reviewing these two together because they’re friends now.  When nestled together in a toybox, dildos are known to form very close relationships with one another and I want to honor that.

In this picture they're trying to high-five, but you can't really tell. Just trust me on this.

In this picture they’re trying to high-five, but you can’t really tell. Just trust me on this.

Those are two dildos from Tantus’ O2 line, Mikey and Mark.  (I had a really shitty boyfriend called Mikey once, so the fact that I can get past the name just shows you how awesome this toy is. I also briefly hooked up with a Mark. He was hot.  Okay, digression over – back to the dildos!)

What makes the O2 toys really stand out is the dual density silicone.  The O2 toys all have a firm core, covered by a softer outer layer.  The combination feels amazing!  They are firm enough to have some real heft and not flop all over the place, but they have some give to them when squeezed.  When I got my first (Mikey, in the now discontinued black color) I spend quite a while just squeezing and stroking the shaft, enjoying the feel of it.  Yes, that’s right, I gave a dildo a handjob.  That is how much I love the feel of these!

I will love him and squeeze him and call him George.

I will love him and squeeze him and call him George.

Moving on to specifics, I’ll start with Mikey.  It’s the shorter and thicker of the two, with 5.5″ of insertable length and 5.5″ around.  For me personally, this is a really good girth.  It’s “Oh, god that’s big and I am nice and stretched!” thick, as opposed to “Naw, seriously? You think that is going where? NOPE!” thick.*  The length works well for me too: filling but never enough to bump my cervix.  As much as I tend to be all about the big toys, there is seriously only so far you can go inside my vagina (or any vagina, really) until you run out of room.

Mark, on the other hand, is longer and thinner – from the base there’s 6” insertable length and about 5” around.  The girth is at the Goldilocks point for me  – just right for every day.

It’s like Mikey is all, “HEY! I AM INSIDE YOU!!!” while Mark is all, “Hey.  I am inside you.”  I know everyone is different, so anything I say about size is particular to my own personal holes.  But for me, these really are two perfect sizes for different days.  Some days I want more of an opened up and pushed feeling, and some days I am more for the nice and easy snug-but-not-stretched feeling.

Both these dildos have a flared base, so they can be used anally.  Yay for flared bases!  (If you use a toy both vaginally and anally, it is VERY IMPORTANT for it to be sterilized between holes.  Silicone can be sterilized by being put in boiling water for 2 minutes, or cleaning with a 10% bleach solution.  Or autoclaving.**)

The flared base also makes these a good fit for a harness.

This is not a very good picture, but I wanted to post it because it looks like my cock is trying to decide which book to read.  And that made me happy.

This is not a very good picture, but I wanted to post it because it looks like my cock is trying to decide which book to read. And that made me happy.

I love both of these, and would be hard-pressed to choose a favorite.  The quality is great, the design is great, and they both feel great to me.  All-around winners in my toy box, these two.

*Of course, this is not a scientific measurement, since those points are different for everyone.  Also, some things LOOK way too big but are not.  Sometimes.  Maybe.  With enough lube.

**I am seriously curious about having an autoclave for my toys.  Or possibly I am just having Kinky Mad Scientist fantasies.  Or both.  It could be both.

Review – Pipedream Icicles #34

This is possibly the best example ever of two awesome things I love combining and . . . being massively disappointing.  Some things go together beautifully.  Glass and hands-free vibrators are not two of those things.  I wanted this toy for ages.  I wanted – nay, needed  a hands free wearable vibrator, but so many of them are nasty jelly or crap like that.  I already knew I loved glass.  (I have an unreasonable number of glass toys, and I always want another one because they’re just so damn pretty and shiny.)  Icicles #34 seemed meant for me.  It was calling my name.  But you know, someone can call your name all sexy-like and still suck in bed.

Cutest penis EVAR.

Cutest penis EVAR.

The design of this piece is similar to those wearable vibrators of questionable materials I’d been eyeing.  It’s meant to strap on against your vulva and stimulate the entire outer region, while the tiny penis part sits inside the vagina.  The curved outer section is about 4” long, while the insertable section is 3” long and 3” around at the head.  If I were judging on comfort alone, this would be a win.  I could wear this all day.  That is, IF the straps were sturdier and not utterly unnecessarily baffling.  I am a fan of internal and external stimulation at the same time, but neither of these things worked to my liking.  It fit fine, but then it just sat there, like a vaginal freeloader, doing nothing at all.

I understand the snaps, and the adjustable slidey bits, but why are there ALSO lingerie-style clasps?  WHY?

I understand the snaps, and the adjustable slidey bits, but why are there ALSO lingerie-style clasps? WHY?

The internal part is nowhere near girthy enough, and I don’t think that’s due to my vast experience.  It’s ultimately forgettable, as in, you will probably forget you are being penetrated.  Even if you like slimmer toys, I just think this is too slim for something that ALSO offers so little in the Vroom department.

It feels like . . . nothing.  I enjoy pretty strong vibrations, but I think this would be too weak even for the more sensitive of clit owners.    The thing about this is, the vibration action is delivered by a small bullet vibe powered by three AAA batteries, and those are okay DIRECTLY on the clit, but far too weak to work with this glass piece. I ended up being able to feel the vibrations, but only in the most vague and teasing way.  There is no way this could cause an orgasm.  Not going to happen.   After experimenting with Pressing my Halo Wand and Hitachi against the outside of it (which is usually awesome with my other glass toys), I think the issue is more with the design of the toy and not the lack of power alone.  Even my more powerful wand vibes made this feel “interesting” – nowhere near “skin-meltingly erotic”.  The vibrator part has various speeds and patterns, and I normally love patterns, but on this I really could not tell much difference at all.

A final minor annoyance, but one I know I am not alone on  – it’s pink, it’s ONLY available in pink, PINK, BITCHES!

Pictured: a bunch of other, more attractive glass toys ostracizing the PINK! one.  I know I shouldn't allow this behavior, but damn it they have a point!

Pictured: a bunch of other, more attractive glass toys ostracizing the PINK! one. I know I shouldn’t allow this behavior, but damn it they have a point!

ONE good thing about this toy is that the straps will actually fit a large size range.  I am a US 10/12, and need the straps cinched nearly all the way they’ll go.  A very slim person might have trouble getting them small enough.  But hey, ANY person might have trouble feeling that this is stable since the straps are flimsy as hell.  I would like to offer kudos to recognizing body diversity, but I suspect that was not the main goal here.

Finally, I can’t really criticize this toy without talking more broadly about Pipedream as a company.  I used to buy a lot of their products** before I became aware of their racist and sexist bullshit.  Now that I know more about the company, these more disappointing purchases seem less like toys that just didn’t work for my anatomy, and more like products designed by people who hate women.  Why would I trust a misogynist to design something to give me pleasure?  It would be stupid to walk into a vegetarian restaurant and ask for a delicious steak, and that’s what it feels like expecting a company like this to do anything good for my vagina.

It’s been a while since I got this toy, and it looks like it’s been discontinued.  Even so, I still see it for sale in bricks and mortar stores in my area so hopefully there’s still time to warn others before they suffer my fate.  This toy does not care about your vagina, not even a little bit.  You deserve better.

**I have decided not to buy anything of theirs in the future, but I still own a lot of their toys which I will probably end up reviewing on here.