True Confession – I am a Toy Horder

I decided recently it would be a great idea to inventory and organize ALL my toys. I did not quite realize what that would entail until I was piling things on the bed and wondering if I’d left things over at someone else’s house*

I’ve amassed quite a collection of toys over the years. In my imagination what this should look like is:

I have a walk-in closet with excellent lighting that is filled to the brim with my collection, all on display in a way that suggests I hired a consultant who usually builds museum exhibits. When I desire a toy, I dramatically fling open the double doors, pause for a moment because I – yes, even I, the mistress of all these riches – am awestruck by the beauty of this room. I then sweep in, my silk robe swirling behind me, and drift from case to case carefully considering the merits of each item. So spoiled for choice am I that I often lose track of time and my partner has to bring in trays of fruit and cheese and a glass of wine to revive me so that I may continue gazing upon my domain.

What it actually means is, well. . . .

Behold! This is but a fraction of the Toy Hoard in all its jumbled glory!

Typing that out, it sounds like I’m so rich and/or spoiled I am practically swimming in sex toys which I turn up my nose at because the color doesn’t go with my décor, or the buttons aren’t exactly in the right place for me. That’s not exactly how those disorderly boxes came about.

I do have a lot of toys I love. So there are quite a few keepers. Of the second-string/reject pile, well. Some were gifts. Some were from when I used to review toys for an online entity I shall not name, and some represent a waste of money.

I had been sort of on the fence myself about cheap toys. So many are inexpensive but great – and some expensive and “high-end” toys are just crap.

I’ll have more to say about this next week. First I need to dig through that pile and organize them – by color, of course. So I can match them to my bedding, lingerie, and wall art. Because I am fancy.

Herr Zone looks on in dismay as he wonders, which of his friends will survive? Who will be honored with a review and googly eyes of his own?

* I did. I definitely did.

Modeling Notes – Christopher B Mooney

I haven’t talked much about modeling on this blog, but in “real life” I will very often work with someone and just love their art so much I tell everyone about them. It’s obvious I should start sharing some of the things I’ve been working on here!

Me, at work (In Christopher’s studio)

Painter Christopher B Mooney’s body of work tends to focus on two subjects: bridges and erotica. This is not the non-sequitur it might seem at first; as he points out in his artist’s statement, both are at their core about connection.*

One of the most interesting things about working with painters is that it can be years before the work you’ve done together is ready. Sometimes I never see the end result. My work with Christopher has been much different in that regard; he’s always given me the reference photos he takes for my own use. The distinctive colored lighting alone makes some of these images look more like paintings themselves, which I love.

His canvases tend to be quite large – often 4’ by 5’ – so seen in person they can be an immersive experience. His erotic work has a tender, intimate feel to it, a casual voyeurism similar to watching a lover when they’re not aware of your gaze.

His use of red and blue studio lighting gives the world he depicts a bright, hyper-reality. The style is realistic, but the contrasting cool and warm tones play with your vision. The entire experience is like being in a peepshow designed by someone with extensive classical arts training.

Christoper and I have worked together twice now. If he ever decides to combine his two main subjects and paint nude women caught in intimate moments with bridges I hope he asks me to participate!  You can see more of Mooney’s erotic paintings here, but I also suggest looking through his other work while you’re browsing!

Passion, oil on canvas Christopher B Mooney

* HTTP://www.christopherbmooneystudios.com/about.html

Island of Misfit Toys – The Zone

Some toy designs don’t quite work for my anatomy.

Reviews will now include googly eyes. For reasons.

Some toy designs look like the MILLIONTH variation on a classic. And some toy designs make me stop and ask, “What even IS this?”

This is a new series devoted to that last category. Welcome to the Island Of Misfit Sex Toys

The Zone came to me from a sex shop’s clearance bin. I’m pretty sure it was discontinued because people looked at it, said, “What even IS this?” and then bought something else. I, on the other hand, will try just about anything* and guess what? Guess what? This thing was WAY better than I expected.

The first challenge was figuring out how, exactly, the Zone was supposed to work. It’s shaped something like a lavender version of a 50’s Sci Fi film prop. It has three legs of hard plastic, one of which has two buttons on it, and a central cone-shaped part of ribbed silicone. This is the part that vibrates, so of course I tried putting it in my vagina first thing, because that’s just how things are done around here. That was neither ergonomically correct, nor was it particularly pleasing. Nope.

Next, I tried setting Zone in a chair, and sitting on it so my thighs held the two button-free legs down and the rocket was against my vulva. Much better.  The feet originally had rubbery nubs on them to keep this toy from sliding around, but I can’t show you since they popped off and got lost pretty quickly. Point is, this toy is meant to be sat on, and that is it.

That limits this toys use – it’s only really usable in the one position, and I am pretty sure it will only work for people who have vulvas. BUT. BUT. A truly hands- free toy I can use while sitting? Perfect for me! Most “hands-free” toys I’ve tried need to be constantly re-positioned, or held in place, making them . . . not hands-free. Or else, they are just too weak to cause any orgasms. I am 100% willing to ignore the lack of versatility the Zone brings to the table because having a vibrator that stays in place and can actually do more than gently tease is great.

Also good for kink play! Since apparently this was meant specifically to be used while sitting in a chair, that means it can be used on people who are tied to a chair. Yes, tied to a chair. Where they cannot escape. And then you can adjust the speed and make it even more difficult to endure.**

Now, this is not a desert island toy for me, and its shortcomings are way beyond the weird design. It’s battery-powered, and lately I have been much happier with rechargeable toys. It’s not as high-quality as one might hope, since as noted above the feet already lost their nubs, and the buttons feel flimsy. I have no doubt that I will one day kill this toy.

So, if I do kill it, would I go track down another? Maybe? While I was considering the various hallmarks of cheapness the Zone does have, I was also wondering if this is the kind of thing I would want to spend more on, if someone were to come out with a high-end version. I most likely would, although I am also dying to try one of the bolster-type things you can put your Hitachi in. Maybe that would work even better for me!

*Within reason, people. If you have any particularly outlandish ideas, please consult Can I Fuck The Thing? first.

** Yes, I am totally speaking from experience here.

My Son, Who is a Cat

The other day, I decided I wanted a spiffy new header image so I pulled out various items with the idea that I could arrange a still life.  It would be a nice casual arrangement of things related to my life and my identity that would look arty and cool like the stuff I see on Tumblr*.

I had momentarily forgotten about the OTHER thing you see all over the internet.

Snacks? Any snacks? Asking for a friend.

Snacks? Any snacks? Asking for a friend.

Somehow, despite having about 20 or so cats**, I rarely post pictures of them.  They feel left out.  So Azrael (seen above) decided there was NO WAY he was going to let me neglect him.

He knows he's handsome.

He knows he’s handsome.

I decided to get a few pictures of him, because – well, look at him.

Go ahead and try this at home if you want.  But be prepared for some singed whiskers.

Go ahead and try this at home if you want. But be prepared for some singed whiskers.

He really did not want to move, so I went ahead and set stuff up around him.

Not just a handsome man, but the most handsome man.

Not just a handsome man, but the *most* handsome man.

And then I told him he HAD TO move, since even though I love cats and sex toys, having them in the same picture seemed a little creepy.

"Hey mom, what's going on here?"

“Hey mom, what’s going on here?”

So I tried to get a picture while he was out of the frame.  And, being a cat, he knew this and refused to stay out of the frame.

img_20161014_121208

Fine, I’ll crop it. We’re done here.

Finally, I got this one, and realized that blurry ears in the corner was the smallest amount of cat that was going to be possible and called it a day.  Sure, I could have locked him out of the room, but I’m not a monster.  And that is your exclusive behind-the-scenes look at my creative process, and Azrael’s part in it.

Stay tuned next week for “Oh God, How is There Cat Hair on This Dildo Already I Just Washed it?!?!?!?” (part 1 in a 34987 part series)

*OR SO I THOUGHT

**This is a slight exaggeration.  Maybe.

Review – Fun Toys G Ring and G Plug

Today I have a few toys from Fun Toys, a company that is completely new to me. I’d heard of them through other toy reviewers, but never tried out one of their products.

First, some background: I’ve had awful luck with remote vibes. Batteries that run down too fast. Apps that just plain won’t work. And my personal most hated: the remote that only works from six inches away pointed directly at the vibrator, and can be foiled by the thinnest of underpants. What is the point of even making it a remote?

I was excited to try out the G Ring and G Plug from Fun Toys as a set, since it’s not just another version of remote controlled toys – the G Ring works as both a remote control for the G Plug, and as a vibrator by itself.

My first impressions of these toys were positive. Packaging is nowhere near as important as the toy inside, but I do think good packaging shows attention to detail,

and if I am in a shop it does play a part in what I notice first and what I am drawn to pick up. The canisters these toys come in have an image of the toy on one side and a pretty drawing on the other. They’re sturdy so you could use them for storage later. Inside, you get a storage pouch (which I did not like much; the fabric it’s made from feels cheap) a USB charger, and an instruction booklet.

The toys themselves are attractive and certainly have a luxurious feel. They are coated in velvety smooth silicone and come in dark blue and pink. (of course I got the dark blue. I would be pleased never to see a pink toy again in my life) They are rechargeable

I got the plug in a large size, which honestly does not seem that large to me. I img_20160825_123602don’t consider myself someone who needs HUGE butt toys, but there you are. Your mileage may vary! The actual measurements are 5” around, 4” long with 1” of that length being the neck. This plug has a very slim neck, which I like for longer term wear. It’s also in my preferred teardrop shape. The base is relatively small (about an inch and a half across) which I also think lends itself well to wearing under clothing and for longer times. For me, this was a comfortable plug to wear.

Because it had been such an issue with other remote toys, the first thing I did was a clothing test. Will this remote be what I want it to? I put on some yoga pants on to see if the G ring would still work. It did! This is a major plus for me. (as a side note, you can also turn off the vibration function on the G-ring and use it solely as a remote)

picture-36Happy though I was with the remote function of the Ring, vibration is very important to me as well. It fit on my finger well, snug enough not to fall off easily but not too tight. I have to say, as a clitoral vibrator, this was not particularly great. I enjoy more rumbly feelings, and like to cover more area. This was comparable to other finger vibes I have tried, so I cannot recommend it solely as a vibrator based on my own experience. People who like gentler vibrations might find it more enjoyable. It’s a neat idea, but when it comes down to it this isn’t the toy I’d be reaching for if I really want an orgasm.

Both of these have a variety of patterns but I generally don’t go in for those. I like speed variation, but cycling through 6 different patterns is annoying to me. (Does anyone love the patterns? Let me know!)

Also, the buttons are hard to use while this is in action as a vibrator. The img_20160701_121631placement is accessible but once there’s any kind of lube or bodily fluid on them it’s difficult to press them, particularly since they are small and close together. I can’t see any way the design could have worked around this at all. It’s too small to place them anywhere else, really.

I decided I should do a good old endurance test of these as well. After a full charge, turned on at full power, the G-Ring lasted for 45 minutes and the plug for an hour and 15 minutes. Not bad at all!

Overall, I would say this set feels like an excellent idea that didn’t quite make it in practice. The design is beautiful and luxurious, I found the plug comfortable, and having a remote that is also a vibrator is brilliant. The remote function worked well for me and was superior to so many other remotes.  So much was right about this but ultimately it was a good but not great toy for me.

Disclaimer: The G Ring and G Plug were provided to me free of charge by Fun Toys in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.

G Ring and G Plug

Return of the Blog

I’ve been gone a while, since 2016 has not worked out to be anything like I expected.

It seems like everyone I know started this year off looking forward to it being the best one yet. Optimism was everywhere and we all had great plans because after a lackluster 2015 this was finally our year.

And then it wasn’t. As for myself, I moved to a different state and then suddenly had painful messy relationship issues that turned into a painful messy breakup. To say the least, it was a little too much for me to handle all at once so I spent a couple of months massively depressed and not able to do much at all.

I am finally feeling better. I’ve missed writing and I’ve missed interacting with other people. I’m becoming more social, I’m lining up new photography work, and I have a very interesting set of toys to review.

At this point, I know I don’t have any regular readers yet; that takes time and consistent posting and this blog had had neither! I wanted to mention why I’d been gone for so long anyway. It feels weird to have just started something and then before getting any kind of momentum to be so utterly flattened by life.

It’s hard to get back up and keep going.  But I want to, so I will.

And soon I’ll have another thrilling review of Things That Go In Holes for you!

New Year, Same Boring Old Me

Ha ha! No, seriously though – I’m not much of one for New Year’s resolutions, but this past year has been so sad for this blog.  My posts average out to less than one a month!

I have toys I want to review, but I also have a lot of personal things I want to write about.  It’s nearly impossible for me to want to play and then report back about it when I have things weighing on my mind, and that has been holding me back.  So this will be much more of a mix.  I had wanted to avoid that, since I felt like a blog should really have a focus lest it turn into a rambling diary sort of thing, but guess what!  All the personal stuff going on with me is sex-related in some way!  So I will still be on topic!

 

Review – Lovehoney Main Squeeze

I have tried other types of kegel-type toys, and thus far the Main Squeeze by Lovehoney is my favorite version of the “round things you can put in your vagina and walk around with all day” toy.

What? What do you use YOUR kitchen scale for?

What? What do you use YOUR kitchen scale for?

I chose the 90g  version, but Lovehoney also offers a 60g, and a single-ball 30g. I picked this size by weighing the ones I already own for comparison.

To be fair, the set pictured comes in at a whopping 130 g, so OBVIOUSLY my vagina could handle more (RAWR), but this is the heaviest set Lovehoney makes right now.

IMG_20151109_095753

The Main Squeeze is as cute as its name.

 

 

 

These are a good size for me, measuring about 3 and a quarter inches long and 4 and a half inches around.

They are fully coated in a deep purple silicone, which was an excellent design choice. The silicone has some “drag” so they are more grippy. There are no sneaky crevices or removable parts, so they are easy to clean! Which has not always been my experience with other toys.

The one thing I am not completely happy with is that the loose inner weights aren’t really mobile enough for me to be able to feel them. For me, the best part of this kind of toy is the sensation I get from the internal motion. Put them in and go jogging! Or dancing! Or run up and down the stairs!* I suspect the reason these are less impressive in that department is because I chose the heaviest ones, so maybe it’s a more mass = less room to jiggle sort of thing. Not really sure about that, since I have not tried out the lighter version. Anyhow, there is little enough jiggle that I can forget these are in fairly easily.

I feel like I should make a terrible pun involving the word "box" here, but it's just not coming to me . . . .

I feel like I should make a terrible pun involving the word “box” here, but it’s just not coming to me . . . .

The packaging these come in is basic and tidy. I like the approach Lovehoney has taken with their packaging, since it offers a clear picture of the product alongside light and cute text. It’s not needlessly gendered, nor does it include explicit illustrations or text, so it feels inclusive of a much broader range of customers.  This would be appropriate for a more conservative person and also for a whole range of sexualities and gender identities. I like that! Inside the box is a small leaflet giving basic use and care instructions.

 

 

Overall, I am very pleased with the Main Squeeze. The tiny things that make it less than 100% perfect for me are minor enough that I can still enjoy this toy as it is. I feel that it’s a solid Kegel toy, and a good value for the price.

Bonus outtake shot of the handsome Mr. Mistoffelees photobombing.

Bonus outtake shot of the handsome Mr. Mistoffelees photobombing me.

Full disclosure: I won this toy as a prize in Lovehoney’s “Show us your O-face” contest, so it was given to me for free.

 

*Tried this as part of a move-in once. It made carrying things to the upper floors much less awful.

Balls! So many balls!

I have been on a quest for some time now. Kegel exercisers. Ben Wa Balls. Call them what you will – I am interested in things I can put in my vagina and carry around. I have not found the perfect incarnation of this toy yet, but the quest is looking up since I found an almost-perfect one. I will review it, but first I’d like to look back on all the ones that did not quite make it to gold star/100% love/10 out of 10 sex toy status.

The Weird Metal Ones:

NOPE.

It’s a patina. That means it’s fancy, right?

These were made by one of the big toy companies. They were cheap, so I am not at all shocked that they are not medical-grade stainless steel that lasted forever.  Actually, when I went on a ball roundup for this post I had not seen them in a while – quite a while – found them tucked away in a box, and was pretty put off by the, um, patina they seem to have acquired.  These are definitely not going inside me ever again!

nopetopus

 

 

The OTHER downside to these is that they never worked for regular, walking-around wear for me.  Just too small to hold onto, so one would usually end up lodged next to my cervix and the other one would fall out after I’d been upright for a little while.  Which is hilarious, but not particularly erotic to me.

The Cheap Plastic Ones:

Well, they're pink. Chicks like pink, right?

Well, they’re pink. Chicks like pink, right?

Another big mainstream company’s offering. Seeing a theme here? Since I am pretty much always on a budget, I used to just buy cheap things. Now I am much more likely to save up and wait for sales, since I have SO MANY things that ended up being poor choices.

These are comfortable.  They have the jiggly weights inside that feel so good when I move. They have the right size/weight ratio that I can hold onto them all day.

But – that string! Nylon! That seam! Just asking for bacteria to set up house! When I was using these I soaked them in a 10% bleach solution after each wear, and nothing bad ever happened to me, but . . . they’re retired. Much like my sex life, I have higher standards these days.

Not a total loss, though! I left these out on my nightstand once and it turns out they make EXCELLENT cat toys. Which, again, is hilarious but not at all erotic.

The Almost-Right Plastic + Silicone Holder Ones:

Almost right, but the "retrieval cord" was no match for my powerful vagina!

Almost right, but the “retrieval cord” was no match for my powerful vagina!

These were a gift, and I honestly cannot remember who made them. Not one of the “big 5” I don’t think, but not one of the companies I’ve come to know and love either. I was so excited! The balls have the jingly movement I love! They are more easily cleanable! The set came with three balls of different weights, and two silicone holder thingies, one of which was for a single ball and the other for two balls, so it allowed for a lot of customization of size and weight. So perfect, except . . . I broke it.

I looked all over my Den Of Iniquity but could not find the silicone holder thingy to show you so I think it’s already been thrown out. But the retrieval cord? Snapped off. And the way things fit together it was stupidly difficult to wrestle the balls into their holder anyway, which is obnoxious since they have to be taken out to be cleaned thoroughly anyway.  So minus 100 points for frustration! Which is also not erotic in this context!

I will be back soon to tell you about the new replacement for all these sad rejects.

I have learned my lesson by now about buying cheap things. I don’t think it’s completely bad, since an inexpensive version of a toy can give you a really good idea of whether you like a particular type of sensation. I did learn from each of the ball failures mentioned above, and it makes sense sometimes to try out a less-good substitute before going all-out when you are on a budget. But once you know what you like, go get the good stuff!

Review x2 – Tantus Mikey and Mark

I am reviewing these two together because they’re friends now.  When nestled together in a toybox, dildos are known to form very close relationships with one another and I want to honor that.

In this picture they're trying to high-five, but you can't really tell. Just trust me on this.

In this picture they’re trying to high-five, but you can’t really tell. Just trust me on this.

Those are two dildos from Tantus’ O2 line, Mikey and Mark.  (I had a really shitty boyfriend called Mikey once, so the fact that I can get past the name just shows you how awesome this toy is. I also briefly hooked up with a Mark. He was hot.  Okay, digression over – back to the dildos!)

What makes the O2 toys really stand out is the dual density silicone.  The O2 toys all have a firm core, covered by a softer outer layer.  The combination feels amazing!  They are firm enough to have some real heft and not flop all over the place, but they have some give to them when squeezed.  When I got my first (Mikey, in the now discontinued black color) I spend quite a while just squeezing and stroking the shaft, enjoying the feel of it.  Yes, that’s right, I gave a dildo a handjob.  That is how much I love the feel of these!

I will love him and squeeze him and call him George.

I will love him and squeeze him and call him George.

Moving on to specifics, I’ll start with Mikey.  It’s the shorter and thicker of the two, with 5.5″ of insertable length and 5.5″ around.  For me personally, this is a really good girth.  It’s “Oh, god that’s big and I am nice and stretched!” thick, as opposed to “Naw, seriously? You think that is going where? NOPE!” thick.*  The length works well for me too: filling but never enough to bump my cervix.  As much as I tend to be all about the big toys, there is seriously only so far you can go inside my vagina (or any vagina, really) until you run out of room.

Mark, on the other hand, is longer and thinner – from the base there’s 6” insertable length and about 5” around.  The girth is at the Goldilocks point for me  – just right for every day.

It’s like Mikey is all, “HEY! I AM INSIDE YOU!!!” while Mark is all, “Hey.  I am inside you.”  I know everyone is different, so anything I say about size is particular to my own personal holes.  But for me, these really are two perfect sizes for different days.  Some days I want more of an opened up and pushed feeling, and some days I am more for the nice and easy snug-but-not-stretched feeling.

Both these dildos have a flared base, so they can be used anally.  Yay for flared bases!  (If you use a toy both vaginally and anally, it is VERY IMPORTANT for it to be sterilized between holes.  Silicone can be sterilized by being put in boiling water for 2 minutes, or cleaning with a 10% bleach solution.  Or autoclaving.**)

The flared base also makes these a good fit for a harness.

This is not a very good picture, but I wanted to post it because it looks like my cock is trying to decide which book to read.  And that made me happy.

This is not a very good picture, but I wanted to post it because it looks like my cock is trying to decide which book to read. And that made me happy.

I love both of these, and would be hard-pressed to choose a favorite.  The quality is great, the design is great, and they both feel great to me.  All-around winners in my toy box, these two.

*Of course, this is not a scientific measurement, since those points are different for everyone.  Also, some things LOOK way too big but are not.  Sometimes.  Maybe.  With enough lube.

**I am seriously curious about having an autoclave for my toys.  Or possibly I am just having Kinky Mad Scientist fantasies.  Or both.  It could be both.